John 10:10 says, "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy....."
I am a believer in God's word, and the thief (enemy) has been working overtime the last week or so trying to steal my excitement and joy.
Here's how......
A couple of weeks ago I was disturbed in my sleep, uncomfortable, and in pain, as I slept on my stomach. The pain was in my left breast. I was convinced that it was a folded pillow, crappy mattress, or perhaps the fact that I've gained so much weight. I didn't pay it much attention, until it happened again--and again.
The night of July 2nd was the worst! I woke up knowing that I had to perform a self examination and begrudgingly did so to sadly discover a lump in my left breast. Panic, fear, anxiety, worst case scenarios all came into play in a matter of seconds.
How dare this happen now? Now as in holiday weekend, now as in I'm only 40, now as in I'm about to crack open a brand new chapter in my life that does not include insurance for at least 90 days. I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and it frightened me to think that perhaps the reason I'm making changes (downsizing, packing, quitting my job) is because I'm about to face and focus on an illness.
I put a call into my doctor the first thing Tuesday morning. The soonest they had available was Thursday morning but advised me to call in at 7am Wednesday morning to see if there was a cancellation--which I did, and they were able to squeeze me in. The young man that took my vital signs asked why I was there. When I told him he became fidgety. I didn't like saying it just as much as he was uncomfortable hearing it.
If I'm being honest, I went in praying that my mind was playing tricks on me. My hope was that Dr. Nancy would examine me and say, "I don't feel anything, but it is time for a mammogram". She started with the right breast, the normal one as she called it. And then moved to the left and said the words I did not want to hear. "Ohhhhh, there it is."
I wanted to scream, cry, curse and tell her she was wrong and to check again. But, the look on her face, the hovering of her hands, and the frantic note taking told me it wasn't a dream. She was not reassuring, at all. She gave me several scenarios where what she described as a "mobile, oddly shaped, deep, dime sized lump" could be as simple as a fibrogland or as serious as a cancerous mass. She lovingly scolded me for not scheduling a mammogram in January and explained that she was writing an order for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. She went on to say that it would take at least 4-7 days to get test results and that no news from her would be good news. I asked her to please call me regardless.
On the way home I pulled over and called Radiology Ltd. Soonest appt? Six days. July 12 at 820am. I asked about other locations and sooner dates, I was willing to drive to the moon to get it done ASAP, they had nothing. It was a long drive home, not in the way of mileage, but in emotions. I cried the whole way. I've stared cancer in the face, professionally and on a personal level. I've witnessed as it ripped apart bodies, faith, relationships, dreams and pocketbooks.
I sat in the garage a few minutes to gain some composure, Tenaysia was home. I believe in being transparent with her so she knew what was going on. I came inside to do a quick google search about the ordered tests and possibilities. And reapply my makeup. I was home about 10 minutes before she realized it. She asked if there really was a lump, I said yes, she started crying and so did I. In her love and wisdom, she looked me in the face and told me very sternly to get it together. She took her turn on google and found a website with positive outcomes and she said, "Mom, this is what you have. This is what we're asking God for. Don't look at the others, read this article, and only this one." I agreed, fixed my face,
and went back to work.God is good because for six days He kept me busier than I'd been in a very long time. I did not have time to wallow in my sorrow. I hit the ground running every morning--and was distracted until bedtime.
Hello July 12.
No comments:
Post a Comment